Adoption: The Strange Combination of Losses and Gains

It's a strange thing, this adoption process.  People react in various ways when you tell them you are expecting through adoption and it is going to be an open adoption.  These are some of the things that we have experienced so far.  I suppose there will be others, but we are just starting out.

Some people are excited and ask what you need and where are you registered for gifts right away.  Others are leery of the whole thing and have more questions for you than support at first.  Some even have asked what's wrong that you can't have kids.  Is it you or him?  While these are not always the most wonderful conversations, they happen too.

I suppose since adoption has long been a "secret" thing where women were shamed when they became pregnant before they were married and whisked away to a expecting mothers home or some such secret location, it really shouldn't be a shock that there are a lot of questions that follow such an announcement.

I do know that in the end, open adoption is really about a strange combination of loss and gain for each member of the adoption triad.  (For those not acquainted with such language, that means the child, the birth family, and the adoptive family.)   :)

The child loses the birth family, but gains an adoptive family.

The birth family loses the child, but gains a better situation for that child than they feel able to provide at the time of birth.

The adoptive family loses the chance to have a biological child or "a mini me", but gains the chance to have a family of their own.

Open adoption is one way that has been created to help each member of this triad handle these losses.   There will be some form of contact between the child and the birth family.  What that looks like depends on what the adults  are most comfortable doing.  At the very least, yearly supervised visits at the Bethany Offices will happen.  It usually includes pictures and possibly other meetings or birthday parties.  We don't know all the details yet, but are willing to do what is best for the child.

As a teacher, I have always tried to do what is best for the children in my class.  As a parent, I realize that the child will be the center of my universe and needs to be given the chance to know where they came from.  The whole story and all the participants in that story.  If that means sending pictures, I will do that.  If that means meetings in the park, I will do that too.  The bottom line is the child is the most important part of the story and needs to be taken care of physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.

There is a vast amount of research that shows it is a positive thing for the child's well-being to know the birth family.  In the past, children of adoption sometimes were not told anything about their story.  Only when they turned 18 were documents and information shared.  Now I don't know about you, but my emotional intelligence at age 18 may have been a little suspect.  :)  If you didn't know you were adopted and suddenly found out you had a whole other family you knew nothing about, what would you do?  That is another reason openness in adoption is good to have when possible.  Before you get upset with me, I do realize that there are many situations that lead to the adoption of a child.  I know that for a wide variety of reasons openness is not always the best for the safety and well-being of the child and the adoptive family for that matter.  However in our situation, openness is essential.


 

Lifesong for Orphans

 

          As most of you know, we are excited to be adopting an infant from the United States.  We have been officially approved as a “Waiting Family” as of April 2014.  We are excited to grow our family in this way!  Just to explain our journey in a little bit more detail, this is how the process works through Bethany Christian Services.  Although they are a national ministry, the office in Rapid City works with expectant mothers in western South Dakota and eastern Wyoming.  Bethany works in two separate ways; by ministering to expectant parents and their needs and by ministering to families like ours who are unable to have biological children.  When the birthparents come to the conclusion that they are going to be unable to parent their child, they are shown profile books of families waiting to adopt.  When the birthparents select a waiting family as a possible match, they will meet to make sure everyone is comfortable.  This is an important step since research has shown that it is in the best interest of the child to have contact with the birthparents if at all possible. At the very least, the child needs to be told about the adoption as a part of their life story and not a secret to be ashamed of which unfortunately how adoption used to be treated. 

            We know that the complete process, from jumping in the waiting pool to finalizing the adoption, takes on average about 18 months and ends up costing about $20,000.  Since we don’t have all of that money in savings at the current moment, we are continuing to trust in the plan that God has continued to show us throughout this adoption process.  We were able to pay the initial $8000, and continue to be amazed and humbled by some things that have “just happened” to bless us including a promotion for Ryan, a newer car with low miles  for Julie, and a very successful rummage sale.  We know that God has already laid out all of the details and will continue to provide, but sometimes it is hard to trust in the middle of the need since our next big hurdle is raising the remaining funds. 

            We are humbly asking for your help in a couple of different ways.  Please prayerfully consider coming alongside us in one of the following ways.

·         Pray for us as we wait and trust, for the birthparents as they make difficult decisions, and for our child who is already greatly loved.

·         Consider investing in us financially. You can make a tax-deductible donation to help cover the remaining $12,000 adoption expenses.  Our goal date is August 27, but funds will be accepted towards our adoption until our child is in our home and/or our adoption is complete.  You can give either by check or online.

To Give by Check:       Please make checks payable to Lifesong for Orphans. 

In the memo please note your gift preference with 4607 Dunham         

        

        Please mail checks to:             Lifesong for Orphans

                                                            PO Box 40

                                                         Gridley, IL 61744

    

    Lifesong has been blessed with a partner that underwrites all US administrative and fund-raising costs (TMG Foundation and other partners). That means 100% of your donation will go directly to our adoption!

To Give Online:         1. Go to www.lifesongfororphans.org/give/donate

                                   2. Select Give to an Adoptive Family

                                   3. Complete online form and fill in Family Account Number (4607) &

                                                Family Name Fields (Dunham)

          

      *Please note that PayPal will charge an administrative fee (2.9% + $.30 USD per transaction).

                    Your donation will be decreased by the amount of this fee.

      In following IRS guidelines, your donation is to the named non-profit organization. This organization retains full discretion over its use, but intends to honor the donor’s suggested use. Individual donations of $250 or more and yearly donations totaling $250 or more will receive a tax-deductible receipt. Receipts for donations under $250 will gladly be sent upon request. Lifesong is a 501(c)3 tax exempt organization.

       

           Thank you for investing in us and the Kingdom through prayer and finances—it will be an investment with an eternal return! Please continue to pray that this entire process will glorify God and fulfill His purposes.

                                                                     

 

Waiting in the Pool,

Ryan, Julie, and Max

                       

And now we wait...

Well, we have officially been approved to adopt as of April 20, 2014.  That is the good news!  The tricky part of that statement comes when you add in the factor that now we are in the "waiting pool" to be chosen by the birth mom.  I know that is a good thing, but it also means that we have only been officially waiting to be chosen for almost 3 months now.  Only 3 months???  That's it???!!!

I read somewhere that to the adoptive family, the time spent waiting is so much longer that the official time according to the calendar.  We have been waiting for most of our married lives it seems.  To narrow it down in the actual dates somehow seems to minimize the time when the longing has been there for so much longer than that small period of time on the calendar.  It's tricky to understand all the components of "the wait".

On one hand, you can't plan exactly when you will be a parent.  When things occur through natural processes, there is a pretty specific 9 month window of waiting in most cases.  You see the baby on the ultrasound and the doctor lets you know when to expect certain things.  There are even books that lay out "the wait" and what to expect when.  I've looked and have yet to find one that explains "the wait" when you are adopting.  According to Bethany Christian Services, the wait can last up to 18 months.  Now, I'm not a math person, literacy is my thing, but I'm pretty sure that is twice as long.  :)  However, it could also be tomorrow!  That really throws planners like me for a loop.

I have always liked to have things pretty planned out and most of my life revolves around a school year time line.  I suppose that is because I have been in school since I was 5.  That is  pretty substantial portion of my life!  I'd figure out the actual number, but then there is that whole math thing again.

I suppose that is the whole point of waiting ~ to get me to rely on Someone else's timeline.  He knows the best plan anyway.  It's just hard to just sit and wait.  I like to do things.  I also like to finish things.  It's a weird sort of limbo I guess.  Our new normal anyway, for now at least.
 

Online Profile! :)

We have been put on the Bethany website as of earlier today!  :)  

Here is a link to us...

Ryan and Julie

So far, so good...   :)

Profile Album Finished!

I have been working hard on this album that shows our life story as a couple.  It was fun to do, but now we just keep waiting.  Our home study is almost finished. It is a 14 page document about everything!  It's overwhelming to see your life condensed into one document.  Anyway, one more step done.  Now we just keep waiting.  :)

Profile album



What do you think?

And Baby Makes 3

I'm thinking that the subject title possibly got your attention...    Although this is technically a Christmas letter that seems to have gotten lost in the mail for a few months, I thought I'd better send it now before it is next Christmas!  Like the man at the post office said when I bought stamps and sent off my fingerprints to the FBI, "I don't judge. I just sell stamps."  But I'm getting ahead of myself. 

After almost 16 years of marriage, years of longing, several struggles physically, emotionally, financially, prayer, fingerprints sent to the state and FBI, filling out what seems to have been an entire ream of paper work, we are in the final home study interviews with Bethany Christian Services to adopt an infant domestically!  :)  Although it has been a long time coming, we feel that God has led us here on purpose and His timing is always the best even if it really doesn't seem like it along the way.  

We are trusting that our baby is out there - possibly not even born yet - waiting for us too. That is a crazy thought!  Although we are so close and have been anticipating this moment for so long, everything seems to be happening quickly all of a sudden.  It's kinda weird.  Possibly the new normal?  There is a crib that Ryan got on clearance at ShopKo - one of the perks of having a job at a retail store - that is now sitting in the box in the dining room waiting to be put together when the nursery is painted.  There is also a Pack and Play waiting to be used (also on clearance).  Fabric purchased for a baby blanket that is waiting to be sewn together.  A tub of frog decor that is waiting to go in the nursery courtesy of Julie's former classroom and student gifts.  And paint waiting to get put on the walls that will make the room look lovely.  There is a lot of waiting going on!!!  And praying, and wondering, and more waiting. 

But then there is the craziness of life that happens.  School is in the middle of the year and this seems to be when teachers and kids get a little out of sorts and grumpy.  My cute little 1999 VW Beetle that I have loved forever now has 120,000 miles on it and seems to need to go to the shop on a monthly basis for something.  Ryan may be getting a promotion to salary and an assistant store manager position in Sturgis (20 miles away). And Max can't figure out how to navigate the mess as we are painting and fixing cracks and remodeling from the ground shifting under our house causing me to see cloud through the roof.  Literally.  It was a little weird that morning.  It's okay now, but there has been a lot of stress.  All of that to say, we are still here!  :)  Just trying to keep going. One of the final upcoming things is our home study interview IN OUR HOME!!!  YIKES!!!  Although it looks much better now than it did a few months ago!  

I hope that all is well with you and your families.  We enjoyed getting cards letters and emails from all of you.  Thank you.  I did find it interesting that the older generation was the one that chose email.  Who would have figured that one?  We would ask you to keep us in prayer as we continue on this journey.  Also if you know of a young lady who needs to give her baby up for adoption from your church, friend of a friend, friend's grandchild, etc, please let us know.  If we are able to find a birthmother on our own, we would not have to pay part of the adoption fee which is large.  However, we know that God didn't bring us this far to let us fail. Hopefully, we will be able to send a similar message soon that has a picture of our little family and the subject of this email will be true.  Max could argue that it should say "and baby makes 4" but he isn't usually that articulate.  

Ryan, Julie, Max, and the baby

PS> If you happen to win the lottery or the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, keep us in mind!  

PPS>  If I forgot anyone, please send this on to them. Thank you

Before...

More floor cracks

  

The "Skylight" 

Corner by the desk

crack in the floor

During...

The wall we built

  

Cracks in the concrete slab

Patching cracks in the dining room

The wall closer to done

Living in the dining room for a bit

  

Our new wall painted and done

The fish tank in the kitchen for a little bit 

      

After...   

The rest of Julie's little room

The fish tank's real home

Living room now

Desk corner from before

 

The New, Beautiful front door

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!

It's a strange title.  I know.  There was talk at church this fall of not having a Christmas program because there wasn't anyone to be in charge.  That really bothered me.  So of my favorite memories of Christmas involve being in the program at church.  It may have had something to do with the fact my parents were usually the ones in charge.  I was a duck, a donkey, and some other things I can't quite remember anymore.  I knew that it was coming very quickly and I didn't want there not to be a program, so I volunteered to be in charge along with my friend Lisa.  We have worked together before on VBS and worship team and we think a lot alike.  She had done the Christmas program before and knew "the ropes" to show this newbie.  Although I've been the Vacation Bible School Director at church, a Sunday School teacher, a church pianist, a VBS worker, and several other things, I had never tackled the Christmas Program.  We decided that we would combine 2 different programs.  One that catered to the older kids (grades 1-5) that she would be in charge of and the other would feature the smaller kids (ages 2-5) that I would be in charge of.  There were a total of 40 kids or so pretty evenly distributed.  It seemed like a great plan.  

 We met in November to pick our programs. Lisa chose Sing a Song of Christmas which had parts for the older kids and classic carols for most of the songs.  I found a great little program called Mary had a Little Lamb - That's my story and I'm sticking to it!  The main character, Rachel the shepherd, was in Bethlehem that night and she insists throughout the program that Mary had a lamb that night.  Even though the rest of the cast tries to tell her it was a baby, she insists that it was The Lamb and she wouldn't take no for an answer.  There were little well known songs that used Christmas words to tell the story.  For example, "Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb.  Mary had a little lamb, born in Bethlehem." Another of their favorites was "The hay in the stable goes crunch, crunch, crunch... All through the night.  The cow in the stable goes moo, moo, moo..." 

I know from my experience teaching kids that if you take something, like a well known melody, and put new words with it, they learn it pretty quick. Actually, that also goes back to my theory on teaching in general, but that is a story for another day. We began learning our songs and were excited about the costumes.  Especially about the costumes.  Who doesn't like to dress up?  They got to choose who they wanted to be and it went pretty good.  Except for one little 3 year old.  She was bound and determined to be a unicorn.    Now, I'm pretty sure that there was not a unicorn in the Christmas story.  :)  She however had a different viewpoint.  It's a little tricky to reason with a 3 year old!  Especially when there are a lot of tears and crying involved.  The rest of us colored pictures that matched our characters and made a bulletin board.  It was pretty cool looking.

During the next week's practice, my little unicorn still hadn't given up on her choice of character.  I did find our after talking with her mom that the plastic sheep in her grandma's nativity had been chewed on by the dog and therefore had a little piece sticking up that resembled a horn and that was her unicorn.  It was in the Christmas story after all!  Well, her version of the story anyway.  I finally told her as we were practicing that if she wanted to have a costume for the program she could choose a sheep, an angel, or else she wouldn't have a costume.  I also told her that she could tell me later what her decision was.  After we went to find all the costumes, she chose to be a sheep.  It turned out pretty cute.  

Overall, the program was a success!  I got to add Rachel the shepherd to my list of Christmas program roles.  That was a new one for me.  The little kids in costume are always good for a surprise or two.  Lots of pictures were taken and ooohs and aaaahhs shared by the crowd.  The unicorn/lamb even decided to go on stage before the rest of us, but that was okay.  It was a great program and fun was had by all.  After all, as Rachel the shepherd would say, "Mary had a little LAMB!  That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!"