Women of Faith - Loved 2015

I was able to attend Women of Faith in Billings, Montana on April 24 - 25,  2015.  Our pastor at my church asked if anyone wanted to share what we had learned during our time there.  This is what I shared on Sunday morning, May 3, 2015  If you were unable to hear me speak.

Good morning! My name is Julie Dunham.  I had the privilege of attending Women of Faith last weekend.  It was a great time of fellowship and learning.  :)  I'm pretty sure that's what I'm supposed to say anyway.  But there is so much more that I need to share about my journey.  

As I mentioned,  my name is Julie Dunham although some of you know me as Julie Johnson even though for the last 17 years it's been different.  That's okay. I can claim my family.  If you were at the new church banquet the other night, my parents, Pat and Jerry Johnson spoke about the church's history.  I am a product of that history. My grandparents were in those old pictures and helped to start our church.  Anyway, this church has been part of my life since before I was born - my parents were married and attended when my mom was expecting me.  I grew up here and went to Sunday School, Kid's church, camp, youth group, youth convention, and the list goes on.  I learned about how God has a plan for each of us and believed that was true.

I was just sure that God would be with me and bless my plan.  Isn't that how it works?

I had it all planned out. 

• Go to college
• I would meet the most fabulous Christian man
• graduate as a pediatrician
• get married
• have my 2.5 kids
• live happily ever after. 

Then life happened

I went away to college at Indiana Wesleyan University that is almost exactly 1200 miles away from my parents porch and everything I knew.  I knew I was supposed to be there and God sent me there to learn to trust Him more.  I could quote the verses and tell you what they meant, but until I was away from all that was familiar,  I didn't really get it. God showed me that He is really in charge of things, not me. 

My plan had been adjusted, tweaked a little, but it was still acceptable.

• Go to college and learn who is really in charge - check
• I would meet the most fabulous Christian man
• graduate as a pediatrician
• get married
• have my 2.5 kids
• live happily ever after. 

Then life happened.  Again.

I discovered that as much as I liked kids, sick ones weren't really that great.  Julie wanted to be a doctor because she for sure wasn't gonna be a teacher like her mom and her grandma were.  That was way too much work.  But God kept nudging me that His plans were the right ones. Even though I have always been a bit stubborn - thank you grandma!  God won and I have been a teacher since I graduated. I wouldn't have it any other way.  God knew what was best for me at college and I eventually figured out that His plan is the best one.

While I was at college, I was diagnosed with depression.   That was not part my life plan.  Again, God knew that I needed to struggle to learn so I could be a more effective and empathetic teacher for my struggling students.  I had never really had to work to learn.  Learning was always easy for me and didn't require much effort.  But when you have depression, your brain rearranges things and doesn't allow you to find them easily,  life changes.   God seems far away and I can say now that depression has taught me to trust Him in a whole new way.  It's taken me literally half my life to get to that point,  but it was an important part of His plan. 

My plan had been adjusted, but it was still acceptable.

• Go to college and learn who is really in charge - check
• Struggle with depression - check
• Study to be a teacher - check
• meet the most fabulous Christian man
• get married
• have my 2.5 kids
• live happily ever after. 

Then life happened. Again.

I hadn't got to the "meet the most fabulous Christian man" part of my plan yet and I was running out of time.  I was student teaching. The last thing before graduating in December.   I worked with this strange guy in the student center game room.  I had given up on my plan.  That's when God showed me a better one.  It turns out he really wasn't all that strange and we went on our first date in November, I graduated in December we were engaged on Valentines Day, he graduate in April, and we were married in June.  Right here on this platform.  Well actually, I was over here a little farther.   

My plan had been adjusted yet again, but it was still acceptable.

• Go to college and learn who is really in charge - check
• Struggle with depression - check
• Study and graduate as a teacher - check
• meet the most fabulous Christian man during a very stressful time in my life - check
• get married - check
• have my 2.5 kids
• live happily ever after. 

Then life happened. But again, God showed me a better plan.

All that was left on mt list was have my 2.5 kids and live "happily" ever after which is a bit ironic for a person with depression to say.  Happily didn't show up and neither did the kids.  I ended up in a mental hospital, all four of my grandparents went Heaven, my fabulous husband was fired from his job for wanting to take me to the hospital, and God seemed very far away.  Its taken awhile to realize that He is still here. In my messy unplanned life.

That was one of the amazing things about the speakers last weekend.   Each of them had stories about their lives that were similar to mine. Not necessarily in content, but the overall theme was God's love. Things do not go according  to our limited human plans, but God showing us how He is always in charge, He loves us. He sees us.  He knows our  pain. But, Your history does not dictate your destiny.

Sheila Walsh, one of the speakers, shared her story, that like mine, includes depression and a mental hospital.  She shared how God allowed her life to really hit the wall in order to be broken and real with those around her.  She also shared

Psalm 34:18 ESV

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 

It wasn't until she was truly heartbroken and crushed in spirit that she was able to allow God to use her story to inspire others.  Like me.  And possibly you. 

Another interesting thing has been happening in my devotions surrounding Women of Faith.   Verses of trusting God's plan and how He has our best interests in mind when we struggle keep showing up.  Even this morning!   Here is one God has put in my path more than once.    

Philippians 4:11-13 ESV

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Matthew 19:26 ESV

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

My life also reminds me of that annoying infomercial tag line "but wait, there's more!" But God is saying, for the cost of trusting my plan, there are more blessings than you ever thought possible.   There is always more in His plan and it is quite the adventure discovering how all the pieces ultimately connect to make a beautiful tapestry of a blessed life no matter the circumstances that we sure didn't plan, but God did. 

Thank you. :)

A bump in the road

I've been thinking lately that this whole journey thing through life is a little tricky.  There are unexplained stops along the way and detours when you least expect them.  There are also those annoying potholes and speed bumps that just plain slow you down.  I seem to have hit one of them.

About 2 weeks ago, I woke up morning morning and my feet were numb.  It was a little strange, but I figured it would go away.  I like to curl up when I sit on the couch, so my feet often fall asleep.  No big deal, I thought.  It was a little strange that it didn't go away.  As the days went on, the numbness traveled up my legs to my middle.  By Friday it was more than just a little annoying.  I was scared, so I went to the doctor.  She said there were several possibilities for my "weird nerve thing".  She said I would need a MRI to figure out the source of this numbness.  I got scheduled for one the following Wednesday.  The MRI scans showed that there were lesions in places in my brain that are typical of Multiple Sclerosis (MS).  She said that I would need an appointment with a neurologist to get an official diagnosis.  That was a scary thought.  What a rotten week!  Most definitely a bump in the journey.

I went to the neurologist this past Monday and he told me that it was MS.  My physical exam was "unremarkable"  meaning that I can still balance, walk, and move my muscles just fine.  I just can't feel them.  He also showed me my MRI images.  It's kinda cool to see what is in your head.  I've never seen my brain before.  :)  I'm a bit of a science nerd I suppose.  Anyway, the lesions show up as white places in the MRI scan.  It was interesting to see what was in there.  I can already hear the comments from my family about my brain.  But there is proof that I do actually have one!  It just isn't working quite right at the moment.

They did a regular scan of my brain and then added dye to my blood in order to "light up" the active lesions that are in there.  When the active spots are identified, the treatment can be figured out.  Unfortunately, there were not active spots that lit up.  According to the doctor, that means that the active lesions are father down my spinal cord.  So, its back to the MRI tube for another scan.  This is not exactly how I wanted to spend my Christmas Break, but I suppose I do have some free time coming up next week.  Hopefully the doctor's office will call soon to let me know when the appointment is.  Then I will know what the treatment will be.  It most likely will be medication of some sort.

So for now, I just keep waiting.   It seems to be a theme lately.  Waiting for a call that will change my path. So, I guess I am learning to be patient.  I must need some more practice at waiting.  At this rate, I'm gonna be a pro!

*** Update - I go for the follow-up MRI on Monday afternoon.  Merry Christmas to me!
I could make a new verse of the song about the 2 front teeth! "All I want for Christmas is a MRI scan, a MRI scan, a MRI scan...."   To be followed by "All I want for Christmas is some pills to take..."  Kinda catchy, don't you think?  :)

Thankfulness in a rough season

Thanksgiving. It's a great time to make a list of the things you are thankful for when remembering the past year.  I like to think of it as a reflective sort of holiday.  Similar to New Year's Eve in the way you reevaluate the past year and think about all the things that have happened in your life.  So here is my list as I reflect today.

My Adoption Thankful list

1. God is faithful and provides for us.
2. We were approved a a waiting family for a child.
3. My husband is amazing.  He continues to support and love when even when I'm not that lovable. He is getting as antsy as I am about waiting.  That is reassuring.
4. I have a lovely family that gives me support always in many different ways,
5. I have a crazy puppy dog that loves me even though he is getting older and has slowed down for the most part. My fur baby will always be the first child but not the only child much longer.
6. We received a large grant to help towards our adoption. 
7. I am surviving the wait so far although it is not without occasional tears and temper tantrums.
8. I have been able to sell jewelry to help support widows in Africa AND our adoption at the same time!  What a blessing to help and be helped simultaneously.
9. Many people have donated to our adoption and that has been huge.  
10. The nursery is patched and almost ready to paint.  
11. And best of all, I have a wonderful child out there waiting for me too.

I suppose there are more that I can't remember at this exact moment, but there is plenty to be thankful for in my life.  I sometimes have trouble seeing it, but it is still there.  What about you?  What are you thankful for in your season of life?  There are more things to be thankful for than you can even imagine.  Even though or maybe I should say especially when it doesn't seem like it at the moment.  Trust me.

Just keep swimming...

I have had several questions lately about our adoption.  Although I a grateful that people are excited for us and care about us, it is a double edged sword some days.  I love the idea of adoption and I know in my head that it is exactly what we need to do and where we need to be right now.  It's just convincing my heart that it is worth waiting for some days.  I know I sound like a whiny little girl right now - actually that was my Halloween costume - complete with the pigtails on either side of my head. Oh dear... maybe it stuck!
It seems that everyone that I know is pregnant currently.  I know that cannot possibly be true, but my mind seems to go there some days.  I also know that some of my friends that really are the ones who are pregnant have been through their own struggles in their journey.  I just seems that it is the easier way to go.  Before you get all grumpy with me, as someone who has never been and will most likely never be pregnant, just hear me out.  From my limited understanding of pregnancy, there are physical signs that you are expecting.

• You get sick - that does not sound like a highlight to me!   
• Your "baby bump" starts showing  - that would be kinda weird and kinda cool at the same time.
• You get comments from strangers asking about your little one - that would be encouraging most days.
• You get patted on the bump by strangers - that would be annoying and an invasion of my personal space.
• You feel the movements of the little one as they grow and try to expand - that would be amazing.
• You have doctor's appointments with ultrasounds that show the life inside of you - that would be amazing as well.
• You feel little one kicking against your ribs - that would hurt, but still be a reminder of the little one inside you.
• You have a limited amount of time (9 months) to expect the wait to last - that would be a blessing.  

Now consider my situation.

• The only reason I am sick is that my students green runny noses gave me a sinus infection.
• My "bump" is shrinking since I joined Weight Watchers and I feel great.
• I get questions about the process, but most people don't say anything.  Some days that is actually a good thing.  
• I don't get patted on the tummy - that is fine by me.  :)
• I don't feel anything moving inside of me to remind me that someone is growing and changing.
• I go to the doctor to get antibiotics, a new glasses prescription, and a flu shot.  Not quite the same.
• I don't get kicked from the inside.  That is a plus.  :)  However, I don't have a reminder that someone is changing and growing literally right under my nose.
• I have been waiting since April.  That is only 6 months, but I'm not really keeping track ;)

So basically, I have no "proof" that anything is happening and it is driving me a little crazy.  I know that there is a baby out there who needs me and that we need.  I know there is a plan, but this waiting with no reminders really stinks.

I really need to remember Dory's line in Finding Nemo  "Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming,"

However, I do feel the need to change it a little.  "Just keep trusting, Just keep hoping, Just keep praying, dreaming, waiting."

Does Color matter in my adoption process?

This was actually an essay contest that I entered where I had to answer this question about color. They choose winners on November 1st as a celebration of National Adoption Month.  I'm hoping to win something, but even if I don't it was fun to write anyway.  :0)  I also figured out how to add a follow with email button on the right side, so feel free to add your email address if you want to know when I update.  I was hoping to post more often, but then school started.  I think I'm out of the daze that it adds to life for the first few weeks.  Anyway, here's my answer to the question about color in adoption.  Enjoy!


                Does color matter in my adoption process?

        I was reading a poem at school the other day with my students that had an interesting take on color. 

            Colors

My skin is a sort of brownish

Pinkish yellowish white.

My eyes are greyish blueish green,

But I’m told they look orange in the night.

My hair is reddish blondish brown,

But silver when it’s wet.

And all the colors I am inside

Have not been invented yet.

            ~ Shel Silverstein

Where the Sidewalk Ends, 1974

            As an elementary teacher, I have always enjoyed Shel Silverstien’s poetry because usually his poems are hilarious, and the kids love it when they know we are going to read something of his.  I was not familiar with this one, but I immediately connected to the idea that “all the colors I am inside/Have not been invented yet.”  I believe that every child is unique and important and filled with colors the world has not yet experienced the beauty of yet. 

            So does color matter in adoption?  I think that you can look at that question in two different ways.  From my perspective as an adoptive parent, I will love my child no matter their color – white, brown, black, or blue!  Although adopting a Smurf could be a little tricky. 

            Some of my friends have adopted children from different countries, and their children have a different skin tone than they do. The parents have been asked strange and sometimes rude questions from usually well-meaning people. Since the difference in skin color is usually obvious and the first thing people see, I suppose those questions are to be expected.  However, my friends have chosen to use them as an opening to explain adoption to those who don’t seem to recognize families are not created or defined by skin color alone. 

            In our adoption journey, we have also experienced some strange and sometimes rude questions from my well-meaning friends.  One person even asked, “What if you get a black kid?” I don’t remember exactly how I answered that day, but I realized then that there is a lot of misinformation out there about adoption in general.  Since adoption forms families through joy, love, and sacrifice, I choose to see those questions as a gateway to help educate others who haven’t experienced the part of adoption that is so much deeper than skin color alone.     

            The other way that you can think about the color question has to do with the culture that is often indicated by the skin color.  I think that each culture in our world is unique and deserves to be respected and celebrated.  I also know that no one in the whole world has skin tones – white, brown, black, yellow, orange, or pink - that match the crayons in my Crayola box.  

            When I was growing up, I remember being frustrated when I had to draw a self-portrait.  I couldn’t figure out which color to use for my skin.  I wasn’t as ‘white’ as that white crayon or as ‘brown’ as the brown one.  I also knew that I was definitely not in any way the same as that ‘orange’ one!  I know that I am not the only child that had issues with finding the perfect ‘skin color’ crayon in my box of eight crayons.   I remember being excited when I got a box of twenty-four crayons because it included a ‘peach’ color that was pretty close.  It is interesting to note that my ‘peach’ crayon was originally named ‘flesh’.  It was renamed by Binney-Smith, the maker of Crayola products, in 1962, during the Civil Rights movement. 

   

         In 1992, Binney-Smith responded again to the skin tone crayon dilemma experienced by teachers and students by creating a box of the eight Multicultural crayons.  It includes the colors that most closely resemble skin tones - apricot, black, burnt sienna, mahogany, peach, sepia, tan, and white.  Although these colors already existed, they were only included in the larger crayon box sets.  These colors also come in markers, colored pencils, and paint.  However, even this action hasn’t been without controversy.  Accused of “redefining the rainbow” by some people, I think this was a step in the right direction.  It recognizes and celebrates that people come in different colors.  

            I am a teacher at a school where about 90% of students and teachers do not have the same skin tone as I do.  It was a little strange to get used to because I have fair skin, blue eyes, and light brown hair.  Each day in classrooms and hallways I see dark brown skin, dark brown eyes, and dark brown hair.  It was summed up best by a new student with a very fair complexion, green eyes, and reddish hair who moved to our school from out of state.  When she was asked how her first days were going, she responded, “Good. (long pause) Everyone here is pretty dark.”  When she was asked if that bothered her, the response continues to blow us away.  She said, “Not really.  People are people.”  What a refreshing attitude spoken by a ten year old in a new situation that didn’t quite match what she was used to seeing. 

            So does color matter in adoption?  I suppose I would like to restate that question to say ‘should color matter in adoption’?  I think that it is sad to say that color is the only thing that some people see.  It shouldn’t matter in any relationship in life.  I think it presents different challenges and opportunities for celebration for families created through adoption, but as that 10 year old said, “people are people.”  To her, and to me as well, that is the bottom line.  People are people.  We are each uniquely created and filled with colors that have not been invented yet. 

Silverstein, S. (1974).  Where the Sidewalk Ends. New York, New York: Harper-Collins Children’s Books.

Wikipedia Contributors. (2014). List of Crayola crayon colors. Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved from http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=List_of_Crayola_crayon_colors&oldid=623424074

Wow. Just Wow.

If there is one thing about this adoption journey I've learned so far, it humbles you in ways you never expected.  In being open for those following our journey, I have learned some interesting things.  Some are hard, some are crazy, some are funny, but most have been just plain humbling.   Here are some examples that have happened to me lately.

Apparently, I am a good writer.  :)  I have had several people tell me that.  I never started this little glimpse into my life as a way to practice my writing skills, but it is kinda cool that people like my writing.  I'm not fishing for compliments by the way.  I was just shocked, surprised, and humbled that something I had written basically for myself and my own sanity has apparently been enjoyed by others and touched them as well.

When you post a request for help, people respond.  I do realize that is the reason for asking for help, but sometimes I don't think I really expected others to do it.  It is amazingly humbling to pull up the list of donors to our fund and see the names of people that you didn't expect to give.  We did realize going in that it was a bit of a long shot attempt to raise money from our friends for our adoption, but we were awarded the opportunity and decided it couldn't hurt to ask.  The list included the expected donors (our parents - thank you mom & dad and mom & dad), but there are other names on there that we didn't expect.  People that I have worked with at different schools, people that I went to high school with, people that I work with in the gift shop, friends of our family, and the list goes on!  It is humbling to be blessed with money from people.

When you have a garage sale, you never know who will come to purchase your "treasures".  We were able to have 3 sales so far.  We cleaned out the room that will be the nursery and found some treasures.  My aunt gave me some clothes that she couldn't wear anymore to sell.  A friend that teaches at my school was moving and gave me some things to sell and keep the money.  Many people came and shopped.  A friend's mom brought a carload of things for us to sell.  Some people even asked if I would accept a higher price than was marked.  It took me a few minutes to get what she was asking.  Most people had been asking if I would take a lower price, not a higher one.  It was a little confusing at first.  Other random shoppers saw the sign I had made that stated all proceeds would go to our adoption fund.  One lady read the sign, turned around and continued to shop.  When she was finished, she told me she had to go back and find some more things since she knew what the sale was for.  I have no idea who that lady was, but that was amazing and very cool.


Friends are an important part of our lives.  You never know how you have touched others until there is a situation where encouragement and prayers are needed.  That has become overwhelmingly clear these past few months.  There have been text messages, phone calls, hugs, prayers, tears, checks, and the list goes on.  It is incredibly humbling to be on the receiving end of all those wonderful things.

Basically, I have figured out that life is funny and you never really know how others will respond until you say there is a need.  I guess honesty is the best policy as the saying goes.  Thank you for being my friends and helping in so many different ways.  :)

Adoption: The Strange Combination of Losses and Gains

It's a strange thing, this adoption process.  People react in various ways when you tell them you are expecting through adoption and it is going to be an open adoption.  These are some of the things that we have experienced so far.  I suppose there will be others, but we are just starting out.

Some people are excited and ask what you need and where are you registered for gifts right away.  Others are leery of the whole thing and have more questions for you than support at first.  Some even have asked what's wrong that you can't have kids.  Is it you or him?  While these are not always the most wonderful conversations, they happen too.

I suppose since adoption has long been a "secret" thing where women were shamed when they became pregnant before they were married and whisked away to a expecting mothers home or some such secret location, it really shouldn't be a shock that there are a lot of questions that follow such an announcement.

I do know that in the end, open adoption is really about a strange combination of loss and gain for each member of the adoption triad.  (For those not acquainted with such language, that means the child, the birth family, and the adoptive family.)   :)

The child loses the birth family, but gains an adoptive family.

The birth family loses the child, but gains a better situation for that child than they feel able to provide at the time of birth.

The adoptive family loses the chance to have a biological child or "a mini me", but gains the chance to have a family of their own.

Open adoption is one way that has been created to help each member of this triad handle these losses.   There will be some form of contact between the child and the birth family.  What that looks like depends on what the adults  are most comfortable doing.  At the very least, yearly supervised visits at the Bethany Offices will happen.  It usually includes pictures and possibly other meetings or birthday parties.  We don't know all the details yet, but are willing to do what is best for the child.

As a teacher, I have always tried to do what is best for the children in my class.  As a parent, I realize that the child will be the center of my universe and needs to be given the chance to know where they came from.  The whole story and all the participants in that story.  If that means sending pictures, I will do that.  If that means meetings in the park, I will do that too.  The bottom line is the child is the most important part of the story and needs to be taken care of physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.

There is a vast amount of research that shows it is a positive thing for the child's well-being to know the birth family.  In the past, children of adoption sometimes were not told anything about their story.  Only when they turned 18 were documents and information shared.  Now I don't know about you, but my emotional intelligence at age 18 may have been a little suspect.  :)  If you didn't know you were adopted and suddenly found out you had a whole other family you knew nothing about, what would you do?  That is another reason openness in adoption is good to have when possible.  Before you get upset with me, I do realize that there are many situations that lead to the adoption of a child.  I know that for a wide variety of reasons openness is not always the best for the safety and well-being of the child and the adoptive family for that matter.  However in our situation, openness is essential.