Adoption: The Strange Combination of Losses and Gains

It's a strange thing, this adoption process.  People react in various ways when you tell them you are expecting through adoption and it is going to be an open adoption.  These are some of the things that we have experienced so far.  I suppose there will be others, but we are just starting out.

Some people are excited and ask what you need and where are you registered for gifts right away.  Others are leery of the whole thing and have more questions for you than support at first.  Some even have asked what's wrong that you can't have kids.  Is it you or him?  While these are not always the most wonderful conversations, they happen too.

I suppose since adoption has long been a "secret" thing where women were shamed when they became pregnant before they were married and whisked away to a expecting mothers home or some such secret location, it really shouldn't be a shock that there are a lot of questions that follow such an announcement.

I do know that in the end, open adoption is really about a strange combination of loss and gain for each member of the adoption triad.  (For those not acquainted with such language, that means the child, the birth family, and the adoptive family.)   :)

The child loses the birth family, but gains an adoptive family.

The birth family loses the child, but gains a better situation for that child than they feel able to provide at the time of birth.

The adoptive family loses the chance to have a biological child or "a mini me", but gains the chance to have a family of their own.

Open adoption is one way that has been created to help each member of this triad handle these losses.   There will be some form of contact between the child and the birth family.  What that looks like depends on what the adults  are most comfortable doing.  At the very least, yearly supervised visits at the Bethany Offices will happen.  It usually includes pictures and possibly other meetings or birthday parties.  We don't know all the details yet, but are willing to do what is best for the child.

As a teacher, I have always tried to do what is best for the children in my class.  As a parent, I realize that the child will be the center of my universe and needs to be given the chance to know where they came from.  The whole story and all the participants in that story.  If that means sending pictures, I will do that.  If that means meetings in the park, I will do that too.  The bottom line is the child is the most important part of the story and needs to be taken care of physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.

There is a vast amount of research that shows it is a positive thing for the child's well-being to know the birth family.  In the past, children of adoption sometimes were not told anything about their story.  Only when they turned 18 were documents and information shared.  Now I don't know about you, but my emotional intelligence at age 18 may have been a little suspect.  :)  If you didn't know you were adopted and suddenly found out you had a whole other family you knew nothing about, what would you do?  That is another reason openness in adoption is good to have when possible.  Before you get upset with me, I do realize that there are many situations that lead to the adoption of a child.  I know that for a wide variety of reasons openness is not always the best for the safety and well-being of the child and the adoptive family for that matter.  However in our situation, openness is essential.